Codependency in Your Relationship

By Gary Stollman, Ph.D.

Codependency is often a misused term. It can best be described however, as an unhealthy addictive quality of a relationship in which the parties need or use each other to lean on rather than to enrich and assist each other in becoming their best selves.

As Los Angeles Psychotherapist, I’ve discovered that even if you are in a codependent relationship you may not know it. Most people do not recognize the signs in their own relationship. But, it’s important that they do as it can be a very painful and debilitating condition. Codependency can lead to feelings such as guilt, shame, anger, helplessness and even suicide. It doesn’t just exist between a person and their partner or spouse—it can weed its way into any type of relationship.

To some extent most relationships have an element of codependency.

Signs of Codependency in a Relationship

Overly controlling behavior
Lack of trust
Avoidance
Abuse
Perfectionism
Anger or resentment
Neediness
Insecurity
Depression

Codependency has its roots in childhood, especially if you grew up in a home with abuse, alcoholism, drugs, or gambling. In some cases, divorce also plays a role. These conditions may cause you to develop unhealthy self esteem that affects your ability to attract and maintain healthy relationships. Sometimes, you may develop some of the unhealthy behaviors that are the foundation of your own codependent relationship, such as abusing alcohol or gambling.

People in codependent relationships often try to mask pain or anger from their past. They have not fully dealt with these emotions and as a result, they have not evolved emotionally or mentally so that they can create new attitudes and behaviors in their relationships.

In a codependency relationship you may be the enabler, the one who “enables” the other person to act in destructive ways. You may feel guilty about saying “no” or refusing to help the other person or to do what they ask. You may also feel the need to help them in order to keep them dependent on you. Whatever your reason, you should keep in mind that even though you think you’re helping, you’re not. Instead, you are contributing to the unhealthy nature of your relationship as much as the other person with the destructive behavior is.

Because low self-esteem plays such a big role in codependency, it really reflects a poor relationship you have with yourself. If you do not value yourself enough to do what’s best for you, you may become overly concerned with what others think about you and feel the need to please them or play peacemaker or be the “supportive” one. But, because you are not supporting healthy behavior in the other person, the relationship will remain volatile, unfulfilling and painful.

Considering that codependent and enabling tendencies are formed in childhood, it can be very difficult to overcome them. Counseling is very valuable to people in codependent relationships. It can help you to build healthy self esteem, set healthy boundaries in your relationships, and to deal with the anxiety of changing a part of who you are that you’ve identified with for so long.

Sometimes individuals or couples may be reluctant or embarrassed to admit they are in a codependent situation. Reading books such as Breaking Free of the Codependency Trap or Beyond Codependency: And Getting Better All the Time may help you until you’re able to go to counseling.