How to Work On Your Relationship Even If Your Partner Won’t

By Gary Stollman, Ph.D.

When your partner won’t go to relationship counseling, or put in any other effort else to save your relationship, it can be heartbreaking, frustrating and painful. After all, if he or she really cared about you, shouldn’t they want to put in the effort?

This kind of thinking, which includes “guilting” and blaming, only deepens your frustration and pain. Instead, it’s time to do some reassessment of your relationship, your role, and your options.

1. Determine if you really want to save your relationship. This is a difficult and painful process. You’ve invested years and energy into your union, so the possibility of ending it may leave you feeling empty and off course. However, only you can make the decision about whether it’s worth it to put in even more energy and time to save your relationship.

If you’re staying for reasons such as your children, finances, or convenience, you may have already discovered those reasons aren’t enough.

2. Find out if your partner wants to save the relationship. Sometimes your partner may be going through a really difficult period and just not focused on your relationship. During difficult patches some partners may go into a shell. They may not be able to open up and share their problems. They may just need some time to cope with the problem and resolve it on their own.

However, you may be able to reach them just enough to discuss whether he or she wants to save the relationship. Look for a window of opportunity, or convey to your partner how serious the problem is in a short statement and let him know that you do need to talk. Then schedule a time when you can both sit down and talk without interruption.

In other cases, the estrangement may be long term and your partner isn’t as invested as you are. At this stage, you need to seriously consider ending your relationship.

3. Do some self assessment. Whatever is happening in your relationship, you play a role. You can’t just blame everything on your partner. Take a step back and do some introspection. What are the personality traits or behavior tendencies you have that are negatively affecting your relationship? Try to be as honest as possible. Next, figure out ways you can change these behaviors to create a positive change in your relationship.

4. Accept responsibility. Assessing your thoughts, behaviors, and emotional reactions makes you much more willing to take responsibility for your role in your relationship. Some people may think taking responsibility is a punitive step. In fact, it’s quite liberating.

You’ve heard the old saying that you can’t control the actions of others, only your actions. Once you accept this you will see that you have more control over your relationship than you might think. An essential part of being responsible is that you will be less likely to put up with the things that are making you unhappy in your relationship. In many cases, “putting up” with problems in a relationship makes those problems fester. They lead to resentment, arguments and impasses. By taking responsibility, you’ll be more proactive and avoid getting to this stage.

5. Get support. Even if your partner won’t go to counseling, you still can. Individual therapy can help you through the self assessment stage, help you to gain different perspective on your problems, or to find creative, long-lasting solutions to heal your relationship.

Therapy can also give you insight into your and your partner’s communication styles. You can learn how to make yours more compatible with your partner’s so you can communicate more effectively about the problems you’re having.