By Gary Stollman, Ph.D.

You've been betrayed, lied to...deceived. Maybe it was a former lover who swore to you that he or she was faithful. Or, perhaps it was a business partner who knowingly led you astray.

At first you question your own perceptions. You can not believe that someone you trusted and cared about, or perhaps even loved, would intentionally hurt or mislead you. "I can't believe it" you exclaim. On yet a deeper lever you refuse to believe it because you simply don't want to.

After the initial shock you experience following a betrayal, you notice that sinking feeling starting to set in the pit of your stomach. You can no longer deny the truth and you must now come to terms with it. Unlike many other losses however, betrayal often entails a loss in faith. It is not simply a loss in faith in a person or institution. Instead, it's a loss of faith and belief in the fairness of life.  For some, it can mean a loss in one's belief in a beneficent God.

To go through life without ever having experienced some degree of betrayal would result in unrealistic idealism.  As my teacher and mentor Dr. David Viscott once said, "You friends love you, but they don't love you that much."  Even among the most altruistic people, selfish motives can be found.

While the gravity of a betrayal can certainly determine how you react to it, the single most important factor in your ability to cope is your attitude.

First, you must accept the fact that life is not fair.  Santa Claus does not exist and the money you found in place of your tooth under your pillow, if you were ever lucky enough to get it, was not left by the Tooth Fairy.  People lie, cheat, and steal. To have the expectation that life should be fair or that things should be this way or that because you think they "should" be, is a sure way to set yourself up for disappointment.

The next step in coming to terms with betrayal is to examine your part in it. Few people are innocent victims in this world. Perhaps you ignored the initial signs that your cheating spouse was a potential philanderer and wrote off his or her flirtations with others as sign that he or she was just "being social." Or, maybe greed got in your way and you hastily entered a business deal or partnership you know you should not have.

It’s also important to forgive yourself for whatever part you may have played in allowing yourself to be betrayed or misled. If you stuck it out too long in an abusive relationship, you need to forgive yourself and seek to understand your motives for not leaving. If you failed to stand up for yourself when a friend betrayed your trust or spoke to you unkindly, forgive yourself for not speaking up sooner. Then vow to place a higher value on yourself the next time by speaking your mind and refusing to betray yourself though your silence.

Third, consider forgiving the person (or situation) that hurt you.  Does this seem impossible to you? Before you protest or cry out that the damage inflicted upon you was too severe to ever consider letting the offender off the hook for what they did to you, let's take a look at what forgiveness isn't.

Forgiveness isn't a sign of weakness, nor does it mean that you condone the other person's behavior.  Forgiving another does not mean that you ever need to see or speak with the offender.  In fact, doing so at times can be placing yourself in harms way once again...and that's sheer stupidity.

Forgiveness is simply the letting go of the hurt and the resulting anger that the other person caused you.  It has been said that anger is toxic, so holding on to old feelings of hurt and anger is ultimately more destructive to the person harboring the feelings than it is to the intended target. In truth, when you forgive another person you are not so much letting them off the hook as you are letting yourself off the hook!

The power of forgiveness can clearly be understood by reading an excerpt written by a former client (whose name I cannot mention for reasons of confidentiality) to her abusive mother. Suffice is to say, her mother was so abusive that when she fell sick as a child and vomited up her dinner, her mother berated her, threw her into the bathtub, and then forced her to eat her own vomit.  In hopes of helping others who may have experienced similar abusive situations, she gave permission to share the following excerpt:

"So I'm now sending you this letter because I want you to know I forgive you for everything you've ever done to me, and I also forgive myself for allowing myself to feel all this anger and pain; and allowing it to destroy me on the inside for many years. And understand, this forgiveness is more about me than it is about you. I've realized that by holding on the rage I feel, I'm still holding on to you. When I let go of the rage, I let go of the control you have over me. By not forgiving you, I perpetuate the suffering in me. And I've decided I want out of this unhealthy situation. The spell you had over me is broken. And by forgiving you, I've broken the pattern of abuse in our family. It stops here. My children will not suffer like I have. And so, forgiving myself and forgiving you I let go of the pain."

Finally, betrayal, or any negative experience we encounter for that matter, can best be assimilated when we focus on learning the lessons our pain can teach us.

In matters of the heart for example, while it is easy to become embittered or hardened and close ourselves off from love after being hurt, our challenge is to forge ahead and keep our minds and hearts open. Rather than attempt to shield ourselves from future heartache, we need to ask ourselves what the lessons are that we are meant to learn thought our unfortunate experiences. When we keep love out in order to protect ourselves from pain, we ultimately starve ourselves of the very thing we need the most…which is love.  

Following a business betrayal, rather than playing it safe and avoiding risk in a new potential business venture, we must learn our lesson, move ahead, and risk once again.

While there are no guarantees that you will never be hurt again, lied to, cheated on, or otherwise be mislead to your detriment,  remaining open guarantees that you will learn and grow wiser and perhaps do it smarter the next time.  

Gary Stollman, Ph.D., specializes in individual and couples therapy.

The Center for Personal Development and Psychotherapy: 800 474-1445.

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